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BDonald
Regular Member
297 Posts
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catgate
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Posted - 07/06/2010 : 15:41
Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old Grandpa walker by' One of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'
The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.'
One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.'
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years old!'
Standing with his pants down ! around his ankles, the old gent asked,'How in the world did you guess?'
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison - - 'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'
Every silver lining has a cloud.
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Tizer
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Posted - 16/06/2010 : 10:05
Another from my father-in-law...
The New Alphabet Meaning
The Alphabet A is for apple, and B is for boat, That used to be right, but now it won't float! Age before beauty is what we once said, But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now, The Alphabet:
A's for arthritis; B's the bad back, C's the chest pains, Perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight, can't read that top line! F is for fissures and fluid retention, G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H .. High blood pressure--I'd rather it low; I .. For incisions with scars you can show.. J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend, K is for knees that crack when they bend. L for libido, what happened to sex? M is for memory, I forget what comes next. N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new! Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu? R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears, T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears! U is for urinary; troubles with flow; V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.
W for worry, NOW what's going 'round? X is for X ray, and what might be found. Y for another year I'm left here behind, Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, And I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!
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Bodger
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Posted - 21/06/2010 : 08:54
OXO are introducing a white version with red stripes on the sides to support the English soccer team, it will be known as Laughing Stock
"You can only make as well as you can measure" Joseph Whitworth |
Tizer
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Posted - 21/06/2010 : 09:41
Lovely one Bodger! Now this one is nothing to do with football but it might cheer you up...
Edited by - Tizer on 21/06/2010 09:41:46
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catgate
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Posted - 24/06/2010 : 12:59
Two old girls met in the village shop. One asked the usual "How are you" etc.and the the other said she was fine.
"...and how about your bert?" said the first one.
"Oh he still has his usual."
"What's his usual?"
"Ah1 You never heard about it"
"No?"
"Well when he sneezes he get an erection ."
"Oh dear. What are you giving him for it?"
" Pepper."
Every silver lining has a cloud.
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belle
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Posted - 24/06/2010 : 15:29
neither 'good' nor 'clean' !
Life is what you make it |
catgate
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Posted - 24/06/2010 : 15:51
quote: belle wrote: neither 'good' nor 'clean' ! No but it has age in it's side.
Every silver lining has a cloud.
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gearce
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Posted - 26/06/2010 : 10:33
quote: Tizer wrote: Lovely one Bodger! Now this one is nothing to do with football but it might cheer you up...
Edited by - Tizer on 21/06/2010 09:41:46 Saw this one a few postings back Posted - 19/05/2010 : 13:11
LANG MEY YER LUM REEK
There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all |
Bradders
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Posted - 11/07/2010 : 22:45
A friend from Padiham told me this one recently.....
Bob Hope had given his final stand-up show at somewhere posh in New York (Carnegie Hall probably) and it had been attended by a bloke from Nelson , and another from somewhere in the West Riding......
Bob H. had gone down a STORM and had been called back for numerous curtain calls...He'd left the audience crying ....
Nelson says to Halifax..."Well Lad , what about that then ...Great eh ??"
Halifax replies " It were alright..........If ye like Laughin'...."
BRADDERS BLUESINGER |
tripps
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Posted - 11/07/2010 : 23:04
That's the gag (or a version of it) that Alan Titchmarsh did at my son's graduation ceremony. I like it - very "Northern".
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Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart
36804 Posts
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Posted - 12/07/2010 : 04:29
Straight out of the Uncle Mort joke book.
Stanley Challenger Graham
Barlick View stanley at barnoldswick.freeserve.co.uk |
Callunna
Revolving Grey Blob
3044 Posts
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Posted - 12/07/2010 : 09:12
An American photographer on vacation was inside a church in Leeds taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Bradford. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Leeds and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.
'OK, thank you,' said the American.
He then travelled to York, Rotherham, Sheffield, Dewsbury, and Pickering.
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Yorkshire decided to travel up to Lancashire to see if Lancastrians had the same phone.
He arrived in Bolton, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over Yorkshire and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in Yorkshire the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Lancashire now, son ... it's a local call.'
=================== www.sheldrickrose.co.ukwww.bernulf.co.ukwww.bernulfsplace.co.uk |
Cathy
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Posted - 12/07/2010 : 10:42
Loved that Calluna, very good. Not true tho ofcourse if your West Riding Yorkshire.
Edited by - Cathy on 12/07/2010 10:44:05 AM
All thru the fields and meadows gay .... Enjoy Take Care...Cathy |
Bradders
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Posted - 12/07/2010 : 11:47
Which brings me neatly onto the OTHER joke I know......
(must be read in "with a Jewish Accent !!)
Little guy goes to the synagogue , gets down on his knees , and calls out "God are you there" ?...
Big booming voice says ".Yes Abraham ....You have a problem??"
"YES God, I don't know what I'm going to do ....." says Abe...
"Well tell me , what it is " says God
So Abe spills the beans...."It's my Son ....He's turned into a Christian " he sobs........
God answers......"Y O U R S O N " !!
Edited by - Bradders on 12/07/2010 11:49:47 AM
BRADDERS BLUESINGER |
Bodger
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Posted - 12/07/2010 : 15:00
3 Jewish business men , Abe, Sol & Issy were discussing finance,
Abe, " i had a fire and got £200,000 for my trouble"
Sol, " I had a flood and got £ 300, 000"
Issy, " Sol, how do you start a flood ?"
"You can only make as well as you can measure" Joseph Whitworth |