Author |
Topic |
|
BDonald
Regular Member
297 Posts
|
|
|
Replies |
Author |
|
|
jgb7573
New Member
44 Posts
|
|
Posted - 24/09/2010 : 16:45
Bruce, an Australian who was working on contract for 3 months in Dublin was drinking in ODonoghue's pub in Merrion Row when he gets a call on his mobile phone.
He hangs up grinning from ear to ear, orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he announces his wife back home has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds but Bruce just shrugs, "That's about average in Oz. Like I said my boy is a typical Australian baby boy.
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later Bruce returns to the bar. Greg, the bartender says "You're the father of that typical Australian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So how much does he weigh now?
The proud father answers '17 pounds"
Greg is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.
Bruce takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says ..............
"Had him circumcised mate"
JohnB,
Found that horn - gorn! |
Big Kev
|
Posted - 01/10/2010 : 10:00
Why I'm divorced.........
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..
I went downstairs for breakfast Hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', And possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, She barely said good morning, Let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought....
Well, that's marriage for you, But the kids.... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast And didn't say a word.. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low And somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, My secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, And by the way Happy Birthday ! ' It felt a little better That at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , When Jane knocked on my door And said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, And it is your Birthday, What do you say we go out to lunch, Just you and me..' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go Where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro With a private table. We had two martinis each And I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner..'
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom For just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, After a couple of minutes, She came out Carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed By my wife, My kids, And dozens of my friends And co-workers, All singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
On the couch....
Naked.
Big Kev
It doesn't matter who you vote for, you always end up with the government. |
Tizer
|
Posted - 01/10/2010 : 10:50
Very funny Kev. The Daily Express used these two images this week, which were released to mark the centenary of Bamforth postcards.
|
gearce
|
Posted - 02/10/2010 : 10:30
Before marriage … He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait. She: Do you want me to leave? He: No! Don't even think about it. She: Do you love me? He: Of course! Over and over! She: Have you ever cheated on me? He: No! Why are you even asking? She: Will you kiss me? He: Every chance I get. She: Will you hit me? He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person! She: Can I trust you? He: Yes. She: Darling!
After ten years of marriage …
Simply read from bottom to top
LANG MEY YER LUM REEK
There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all |
catgate
|
Posted - 05/10/2010 : 10:55
p { margin-bottom: 0.21cm; } Two workmates were talking and Joe said “Here's a hypothetical question for you, Bert. If you were working nights, and I went round to your house, made love to your wife, and she had a child as a result, would that make us related?” Bert thought for a moment and then said “No, but it would make us equal.”
Every silver lining has a cloud.
|
Tizer
|
Posted - 05/10/2010 : 16:47
Cat sale...
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take.
He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
Edited by - Tizer on 05/10/2010 16:48:41
|
Big Kev
|
Posted - 09/10/2010 : 17:40
Heard at a recent job interview.
What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths? Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.
And your strengths?
I'm Batman.
Big Kev
It doesn't matter who you vote for, you always end up with the government. |
gearce
|
Posted - 10/10/2010 : 01:16
A LITTLE BRITISH HUMOUR The train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle...
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.
The woman screamed and shouted, "Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
LANG MEY YER LUM REEK
There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all |
Cathy
|
Posted - 10/10/2010 : 10:25
A good chuckle once again
All thru the fields and meadows gay .... Enjoy Take Care...Cathy |
frankwilk
|
Posted - 10/10/2010 : 13:04
I like this one
Shortly after David Cameron became PM, a retired marine approached Number 10. He spoke to the Police Officer standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet Mr Brown."
The Officer looked at the old vet and said, "Sir, Mr. Brown is no longer PM and no longer resides here." The old vet said, "Okay," and walked away.
The following day, the same retired marine approached Number 10 and said to the same Officer, "I would like to go in and meet Mr Brown."
The Officer again told the vet, "Sir, Mr. Brown is no longer PM and no longer resides here." The vet thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same vet approached Number 10 and spoke to the very same Officer saying, "I would like to go in and meet with Mr Brown."
The Officer, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the vet and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row that you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Brown and I've already told you that Mr. Brown is no longer the PM and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"
The old vet looked at the Officer and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
The Officer snapped to attention, saluted and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir!"
Frank Wilkinson Once Navy Always Navy |
gearce
|
Posted - 16/10/2010 : 06:00
It's World War One and a British army officer is being shown around a military hospital in Edinburgh. At the end of the visit, the doctor takes him into a ward with a number of patients with no obvious signs of any injuries. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims: "Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, painch tripe or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."
The officer, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who immediately launches into: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit."
This continues with the next patient: "Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie, O' what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin and chase thee, Wi' murd'ring prattle!"
"I see," the officer mutters to the doctor, "that you saved the psychiatric ward for last."
"No," the doctor corrects him, "this is the Burns Unit."
LANG MEY YER LUM REEK
There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all |
gearce
|
Posted - 17/10/2010 : 05:13
If this offends, I apologise and a moderator may delete.
FROM MY JOKE BOOK ...... You may or may not have heard or read this before but, what the heck, I think it's worth repeating.
Dr. Jones was at home having a shower. He came out, dried himself and went to the bedroom to get dressed. He plonked himself down on the bed a little to quickly, and felt a terrible pain. He struggled to stand up and looked in the mirror to find that his three-year-old son's favourite Disney toy was lodged in his rear passage. Being a doctor, he knew that the best thing to do would be to get to A&E and have it seen to.
"Boy," he thought to himself. "They're really going to take the Mickey out of me at work!"
LANG MEY YER LUM REEK
There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all |
Another
Traycle Mine Overseer
6250 Posts
|
|
Posted - 17/10/2010 : 07:35
Both good ones gearce. Nolic
" I'm a self made man who worships his creator" |
catgate
|
Posted - 17/10/2010 : 12:57
quote: gearce wrote: It's World War One and a British army officer is being shown around a military hospital in Edinburgh. At the end of the visit, the doctor takes him into a ward with a number of patients with no obvious signs of any injuries. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims: "Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face,......
.......Wi' murd'ring prattle!"
"I see," the officer mutters to the doctor, "that you saved the psychiatric ward for last."
"No," the doctor corrects him, "this is the Burns Unit." Was this the same hospital where the man had to have a foot off to allow him to wear a kilt?
Every silver lining has a cloud.
|
belle
|
Posted - 17/10/2010 : 13:46
Think we may be straying form the title with the last two!
Life is what you make it |
|
|
|